What I want

Hi Out There
I am a lurker.  But I want to come out of the shadows and make some friends.  But I don't want my family and friends to know this side of me exists.  I want to be a submissive wife.  Pretty hard to do as a single lady, don't ya think?  I read so many blogs of DD couples.  And see that I am not the only girl in the world who wants and needs to feel cherished and protected by a man being in charge.  Frankly I have been divorced and in charge for over 15 years.  I am tired of it, it feels like a burden.  I want to fall in love with a man who could say this is how we are going to operate this household and if it's not done You will be sorry.  Sorry just couldn't type the S word.  LOL  Yes I have had romances since my divorce.  My relationship with Mr.Fix was for over 12 years.  But I wore the pants.  In the beginng I needed to in order to get over the Ex.  But that ended and I needed him to step up.  He didn't ...  Mr. Fix was becoming another child to care for.  Not his fault but not what I needed or wanted.  So I was a big girl and ended to take a chance that I could find happiness.  I met my Bear.  He told me he would always be the admiral of his ship.  My reply:  Good cause I want the first mate job.  I do believe my knees almost buckled.  He can make me feel so safe. But life is taking us in different directions.  And Bear doesn't want all the responsiblities that come with me and my kids.  It wasn't a DD relationship but he was in charge. He didn't spank but I kinda thought that might evolve since he was a real butt man.  But I am here on my own.  So I read and learn what I want.  I am starting to believe that society might be wrong, A marriage where one person has the final say is a good way to find peace.  That I am not weird to want this or need this type of relationship.  So here I am learning how to please myself.

FREEDOM

Hello Blogworld,

Well last night I went to sleep feeling pretty bad for myself.  Had a good pity party.  Funny thing is after a good night sleep I can see the other side.  I have my freedom.  I have the chance to find someone who wants forever with me.  I can take what I learned from relationship with Bear and move on. Don't get me wrong.  His arms would feel so good and I would jump at the chance to be in them again. Bear will always have a special place in my heart. I don't have to be alone forever.  But this freedom lets me have the chance to date.  Just how does a woman in her forties do that.  I do not have the slightest clue.  What I do have is faith.  Faith that God loves me.  Faith that His Word is true and can be trusted.  One of the biggest attractions Bear had was that he was a man of faith.  So today is the first day of the rest of my life.  I have the choice to be happy or sad.  I choose to be a happy,joyful, woman.  Sorry if my words come out jumbled there is just so much in my head trying to get to my fingers.
Jenny

Why isn't love enough

Hello Blogworld
Why isn't love enough?  It is supposed to be.  As a little girl, I grew up believing that I would someday meet a man and fall in love.  And there would be bumps in the road but if we really loved each other it would all work out okay.  But that isn't true.  I fell in love with Bear.  Head over heels,stuff in fairy tales love with him. I actually planned to move over a thousand miles away to be with him.  Leave my family ad friends, uproot my son and probably would have changed religions for him.  But he backed out. Yes he has practical good reasons. He is even looking out for my best interests.  Yet it doesn't lessen the hurt and pain I feel.  I really love my Bear.  I was happy just spending time with him doing whatever.  I was like a 16 year old in love for the first time.  (I have kids older than 16) I want to feel that again to love again that honestly and openly.  I didn't know I could be like that. And I am terrified I will never feel it again.  I don't want to live without love.  But how do I go about finding that right person and let him in?  How do I share my heart when it's been shattered ? 
Jenny