Time can expand your vision

Hello Blogworld

I am finally back.  T&I are doing good.  Still no spankings going on.  He stills jokes about it but I don't that I could handle it.  Maybe someday but maybe not.  I am working on figuring out a couple of things.  Today I am just so content with life.  T and I ran a couple of errands this afternoon and really enjoyed our togetherness.  Friday night we went out and T was slow moving yesterday morning.  I did good getthing up and getting our cars dropped off for some maintenence.  I even ran out did some shopping for a new winter coat I really needed.  Lately I have been dong great on sales.  T has really been impressed with my efforts to save us money on big purchases.  And his praise is so appreciated.  I realized that I am a woman who is extremely sensitive to criticism. I get depressed easily.  And overwhelmed easily also.  I work in the healthcare industry doing private duty care.  I basically run my patients life.  Very satisfing to be able to make such a difference in the quality of life fot another person.  But then I come home and need to relax, and have time to myself.  Hard thing for T to handle.  He is retired and wants my attention,time and to be the focus.  So I am struggling to balance everything.

Good news on the family front and where I get my title.  I still have a relationship with my sisters.  I think it is possible that her comment about T needing to be protected may not have been about money.  I am not saying this is what she was talking about but it is possible.   I have a preteen child.  During that conversation I had told her that T watched my child while I went to court with the ex.  She might be concerned about T having to care for my child while I am working.  This is something that we discussed before I moved in.  Several discussions in fact.  But I am not hurt by her thinking T needed to be protected in that situation.  But if she is looking at me as a golddigger then I am hurt.  She doesn't like the age difference  But it's not her call.  I have attended a couple of family functions  for her children and we talk to each other.  But it's not the same.  I am waiting to see how she handles the holidays coming up.  That all for now.  
Jenny

A wonderful day

Hi Blogworld

Tonight I am really enjoying my life.  My day started off great.  I made a pork roast in the crock pot so we would have a good meal without heating up the house.  I got a load of laundry started,showered,dressed and tidied our bedroom up before going to work.  Work was good.  I got to do some extras for my client that will improve her quality of life.  This trust is something I have worked so hard to earn.   At home afterwards T and I went thru the mail together.  I have never enjoyed such domestic bliss.  I even like making plates for everyone.  T talked while I cleaned up the kitchen.  Then we went and folded the laundry together.  We are doing everything together and it isn't bugging me!  No annoyance and I noticed how I am asking him for his input on little things like what seasonings on the roast.  Right now I am sitting at the patio set outside just enjoying the weather.  Life is good.  I am moving on and enjoying T and the life we are building together.
Jenny

Family fallout

Hi Blogworld,

Yesterday was a busy day for me. I won a court battle with my ex.  And stoothd up for myself to him.  No more Jenny the doormat.  I sadly ended my relationship with my sister.  One sister realizes I am with Teddy for love not money.  The other let me know she thinks he should be protected from me.  That I made him sell his house and move.  And doesn't want me to bring him to her daughter's wedding this summer.  I know she thought I was moving in cause I couldn't afford my apartment anymore.  But that he needs to be protected from me like I am trying to cheat or steal his money. I am in a position to do that if I wanted to but I wouldn't.  I do my best to be as up front and honest with T as I can be.  I am looking out for him.  Moving in together has had it's ups and downs.  But I see myself trusting and turning over more decisions to T.  Last night I realized my sister thought I was a gold digger.  That has hurt me so badly.  I was devestated that she could think that of me.  I have always looked up to her and tried to earn her approval.  Well no more.  Years ago when I went thru my divorce I lost my house to forclosure.  Later on she told me how disappointed she was in me over that.  But when I explained how the payments would have been to keep it she understood and agreed with my decision.  Now she is judging me again without all the facts. But I don't think she will ever get the chance to change her mind.  I just want her out of my life forever.  No more jumping thru hoops for her approval.  T told he thinks she might be jealous.  I am making my dreams come true.  I am so happy to be here with T.  Our home is a peaceful place full of love.  My man makes me feel beautiful and desireable, intelligent,and wanted. I feel that I fit, I belong.  Last night after I finished crying I told T that I know we don't have 50 years together to look forward to but I want to enjoy everyday I have with him.  I have been getting bossy about candy.  T is diabetic.  I asked him to please not have it.  It took me 45 years to find him and I want every day I can get with him.  I love him with all my heart. 
Jenny

Well I am learning

Hello Blogworld
I have moved in with T.  I am struggling in some ways and in others have never been happier.  I have not been with a man 24/7 in 17 years.  T likes togetherness.  I am used to my space.  Especially in the morning.  He is too helpful. Wants to be in the bathroom while I am washing my face and brushing my teeth.  Open the sugar for my tea.  It should be sweet. I am finding it annoying.  I have apologized and talked to him about how I feel akward with him watching me.  The man doesn't miss a thing.    He has actually talked about spanking me.  I didn't say a word  he just said if I didn't stop trying to control him He would spank my butt.  I didn't object to it just tried to let him know my intentions.  T is diabetic and I get aggressive about him not eating sugar.  I mean well.  I want him alive.  But I see myself also pushing him, having a temper tantrum to get my own way according to him.  I just wanted him to see my point of view and hear me.  I was not feeling heard. And I want to see if he would follow thru but don't want to deserve that.  Does that make sense? 
Jenny

Control Freak

Okay I realize I am one.  Big time.  I want what I want when I want it,how I want it. But this weekend T took over.  And it felt wonderful not be the one in control.  To not have to make the decisions was such a gift.  It felt good to not to be responsible.  There was one problem for me.  I like my space in the morning to wash up,brush my teeth ect..  at my own pace.  He was there trying to be helpful and put away my hair stuff, close lids on things.  And it drove me nuts.  I actually did ask him to let me be.  And he said no.  I have to get used to this I guess.  But how???  He wasn't trying to rush me at all just wanted to be by me and talk.  I wasn't exactly Miss Sunshine so thankful spanking doesn't happen here.  I probably would have earned and deserved it.  Need to go make dessert so I will add more later.
Jenny

Family input

Hi Blogworld
Thursday I finally told my sister about T.  I knew she knew.  But she claims to have found out from a different source than I thought.  I basically got the reaction I was expecting  Disapproval based on the age difference and the fact that T drinks.  It hurts that both my sisters think I am with T because of financial reasons.  I know neither is in possession of all the facts.  In preparing to have the talk I have done a lot of soul searching.  I am with T because I love him.  I love him because o.f how he makes me feel secure and accepted.  I tried to explain that to my sister.  But it's hard when I was also trying not to come out and say how I feel rejected by my entire family her included.  I don't want to start up a big argument or fight.  I don't want to hurt anyones feelings.  I feel like an outside in my family.  It feels like everyone is waiting for me to screw up again.  I feel like I have disappointed everyone my entire life.  I know 2 years ago one sister had a fathers day party and the other sister came with her grown children. I was not invited,I happened to drive by going to a friends house and seen everyone hanging out in the yard and the cars out in front.  Later on I dropped by other sisters house and casually asked about how she celebrated the day and was lied to.  I have never confronted either sister about it.  I don't see the point.  It won't fix anything.  But moving away with T gets me away from that happening again.  I am close enough to come if I want or stay away saying I don't want to drive so far.  It gives me the power to let them in only as close as I want them to be.  I should also say there is a big age difference between my sisters and me.  They are old enough to be my mother.  That plays a part in all this I am sure.  I am really trying to be fair here.  
Good new is that my younger son and I spent the weekend with T.  Dear Son(Ds) loved his new bedroom and is really looking forward to the move.  I got to cook dinner Saturday night.  I love my kitchen.  Being there just seems to take a load of stress off my back.  I love relaxing in my recliner and the place just has so much more room than my apartment.  I can't wait to move.  That is it for now I need to get back to working on my apartment.
Thanks for all the comments
Jenny

Life begins

Hi Blogworld
Sorry I have been absent.  Life has been so busy.  T suddenly sold his house and we had to find a new place.  But we did and moved him into in in 36 days.  Yes you read that right 36 days.  It's been a wild ride.  And we did it together.  We are creating our home,our traditions,our routines.  He wants me and my boys to come live there.  I am so happy. I feel such peace,serinity and security at the new place. It feels like everything I have been waiting for is here.  Life begins again.  It's no Taj Mahal but it's my home sweet home. 
Jenny

Little things

Hello Blogworld

I just read Stormy's post at Shelter In The Storm.  I just love the way she lets me peek into her life.  I really appreciate all I am learning from her.  Well in my last post I mentioned noticing how different T is from other guys I have dated. How he takes charge and stands up to me.  Lately I have been noticing how he looks out for me and my kids in regards to the future.  T is going to be moving and I see where is looking out for us in the decisions he is making.  And sometimes putting our needs first.  He isn't telling me.  I guess he is just preparing things for the future.  That really makes me feel loved,cherished and protected.  I like how he is talking thing over with me and getting my input.  We were kinda wrestling today and I thought I had the upper hand until he had me hanging onto him.  Hours later I still don't get how he did it. But he was in control the entire time and just was waiting for me to realize I needed him to get me out of the position I stuck myself in.   I did get kinda lectured yesterday.  Work has been calling me in and I have been overdoing it.  I am down with a super bad cold/sinus thing.  My chest is all congested and my voice goes in and out.  I tried calling off for today but they had nobody able to cover my shift.  T pointed out how much extra I have been doing and where were they when I really needed them.  I need to put myself first and if that means telling work no I can't do overtime that is what I do.  I have a hard time saying no.  But I should not have been around people as sick as I am but had no choice.  T offered to come make me soup and take care of me.  He is just the sweetest guy.  I did tell him no. But it felt good that he wanted to.
Jenny
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Something different

Hi Blogworld,

I think I have stumbled unknowingly into a relationship.  Maybe even The One.  MrWantsToBeMoreThanFriends has become a definite Boyfriend.  And has been my Rock thru losing Shelly.  He has been wonderful to me.  We have been friends for awhile.  But yesterday we were talking about my hair appointment today.  HE TOLD HOW MUCH I COULD HAVE TAKEN OFF MY HAIR!!  OMG  He was totally serious!  He. likes my long hair.  He has seen pictures of it shorter and doesn't like it. He even mentioned coming with to supervise.  No Honey that is not needed honest.  I was thinking about taking off a little more that he wants.  My hair is down to the middle of my back and getting in my way.  I am getting off track.  First he told me on the phone then we talked in person.  And I showed him where I wanted to go to.  Nope not happening.  A belt was mentioned OMG....  So of course I had to push to see where this would go.  Asked if he would take his belt to me if I cut my hair short.  His reply:  No I will walk 2 feet away from you  I only want to be seen with a pretty girl. He has also been taking charge of my car maintence.  I like this.  My car likes this.  He started this as a friend.  Is his taking charge of things something I should be worried about?  Or could I have stumbled across a HOH?  He didn't threaten to spank or hit  me.  He has always been a proper gentleman and never raised a hand to me.  But he is definitely the one in charge.   What should I keep my eyes open for?  I think I may have found what I was looking for but don't want to run blindly.    I am keeping my fingers crossed.  It is different.  Nobody has ever talked to me the way he does. 
Jenny

Life moves on

Hi Blogworld 

Well I went to my friends wake and funeral.  I was saddened to learn she had been on many medications and possibly knew this was going to happen.  Her husband told me that she was always forgetting to take her meds.  He is feeling guilty over not reminding her more.  They were having serious financial problems and he thinks she didn't want to burden him telling him her dizzy spells were serious.  At the hospital she kept apologizing to him.  He seems so broken, truly is mourning her.  I was amazed at how good he is doing with the boys.  Shelly let the boys run over her big time and he is not.  But he is also very gentle and helping them express thier grief.  I really didn't expect to see that side of him.  I have talked to him a couple of times this week.  He is arranging counseling for the boys and himself.  He is trying to get a better handle on his son's medical problems.  Shelly handled it and got put off  easily by the doctors.  He wants to push for answers and get Jon back in school.  I am keeping careful account to stay in the right boundaries.  I am realizing what a step in and fix it for others I am.  At work,  I am being tempted to take on way more responsibility than I need to.  I want to do everything for everybody and am wearing myself out quickly.   I talked to my boss about a situation unfolding and asked for her help.   It would involve me working Easter.  Not good, I need to be home with my family.  But involving my boss should keep me from over doing it.  Thanks for listening and I really appreaciate the comments.
Jenny

Feeling like such a hyprocrite

I woke up this morning wanting to start bawling over Shelley.  I feel I shouldn't be feeling like this.  I avoided her.  I wanted to make sure I didn't get put in a position I didn't want to be in.  I feel so guilty.  Should I be?  Wanting to do the right should not be something to feel guilty about.  I didn't want to let things get to where her husband acted out towards me.  She used to babysit my son and while she was at the store I came to pick him up.  I didn't know he was there with the boys.  He answered the door in his underwear. Maybe he would have done that to whoever was at the door but it seems really strange to me.  And once while she was in the tub he called me on the phone and we talked for an hour.  I was folding laundry and didn't realize how long we were on the phone.  He was telling me his lifes story.  I just felt like if things kept going something was going happen.  I did not want to hurt her by having to tell her he made a pass at me.  So I walked away.  Was it the wrong thing? I thought if I prevented there from being anything to tell that was the right thing.  Could I have handle things in a better way.  I thought I did the right thing.  I could really use some feedback.
Jenny

Life is precious

Hi Everyone
I am in shock.  My friend Shelly died suddenly.  She was only 43 and had a stroke.  She was a mom with sons who need her.  I feel weird feeling so lost. We didn't hang out much anymore.  I got the impression her husband was interested in me.  So I put some distance between us.  He didn't do anything. But I tried to spend time with her and he would show up.  So I stopped.  She needed her husband.  And I didn't want to do anything that would cause problems.  But now I feel bad for it.  And I want to go and help him and the boys.  But I don't think that would right.  He is going to need help how do I help and keep it completely above board?  Or is that impossible?  Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Jenny

Wisdom in the Word

Hi Blogworld,
Well I titled my blog Learning on the way.  Did not know how true it would turn out to be.  This week I began reading a chapter of Proverbs everyday.  I intend to do this for the rest of my life. I'm  amazed at the knowledge and wisdom in the bible.  I am really beginning to feel like I am learning.  When I titled my blog I hoped on the way meant on the way to the altar.  But today I think it means the journey of life.  I am learning to trust God and work on my spiritual life.   I still hope to meet someone and marry again.  I believe that man will be a leader in our home. I am trusting in God to bring us together.  This week I have calmed down so much.  My depression has lifted tremendously.  Has anything changed drastically? No I am still in the same position that I was.   The difference is that I am trusting God to guide me and not trying to fix it by myself.  I read many dd blogs and wanted a husband rwould be in charged.  Well I already have a relationship with God and His Son,Jesus who are ready willing and able to lead if I am willing to follow.  No it is not the same as having a flesh and blood husband.  It is a relationship that will continue into eternity.  And They will never let me down, disappoint me, or make me feel worthless.  A human husband would be a good addition but They are enough.  Wow did I get sidetracked...  Gonna have to come back tonight and tell you about all the good stuff in today's chapter.  Check it out for youself and see what you think.
Jenny

Proverbs 21

Hi Blogworld

Well I am keeping up and read Proverbs 21 today.  Verse 30 really caught my attention:"There is no wisdom, no understanding, no counsel, against the Lord." I am not sure I fully understand it but my intial thought was that it meant it's futile to go against God.  And I do believe it is.  How can man take on God and win?  I believe God spoke the world into being.  How can a mere mortal combat that power?  He has no chance of winning.  I realize many people don't believe the bible.  And they have that right.  I realize that God reveals what He chooses to in it.  I realized this morning that the Bible doesn't record the creation of angels.  But I believe they exist.  Why ?  Because of the story of Gabriel visiting Mary and telling her she was to bear Jesus.  I accept this because God is my Heavenly Father and tells me what I need to know and understand.  I do not tell my children everything.  I tell them what I need and want them to know.  Yesterday I seen that there are options I did not see to get out of the financial mess I am in.  I have to believe that the more I seek Him the better off I will be.  It doesn't mean there won't be stress or frustration.  Last night I went to the library I seen the irs forms.  One problem I have been struggling with is needing to file my taxes and not having the money for turbo tax.  Well there on the forms were information on free e filing.  Boy did I want to jump up and dance.  I was so happy.  Come home and walk into my room and find a great big pile of poop on my bed from one of the kittens.  I strip off the bed and start washing stuff.  Come back into room see my flowers knocked over and spill half my snapple trying to pick up the vase. I was so aggravated I wanted to cry.  I just went to bed and could deal with anymore.  But today is a new day and it is snowing out.  I will put the past behind me and be grateful for today.
Hope you have a great day
Jenny

Here I go

Hi Blogworld

Well I am beginning.  I read Chapter 20 of Proverbs.  A couple of lines stick in my mind.  False weights and measures are an abomination to the Lord.  I think that means overcharging and double billing customers are a sin before God.  The other was the last line Beatings cleanse the inner most parts.  I am not sure what to think of it.  Off to start the rest of my day.
Jenny

Listening to the Big Guy

Hi Blogworld,

I have mentioned here that I am having some financial problems.  Well I have been busy dreaming up all sorts of ways to get out of them and never have them happen again.  I have been complain praying but not listening for answers (too busy for that)  Well today He must have had enough.  I kept hearing about trusting in God for solutions.  Bible story at church was David and Goliath.  I bet you know I had been thinking I was David and the problems were Goliath.  But somehow the message got turned around for me that did I believe God was Bigger that the problems and  if so I need to start acting like it.  Boy did that give me something to think about.  Then I come home tonight and my wonderful neighbor fills me in on his idea for buying our rental house(he is upstairs and I live on main floor)  He has lots of research yet to do but that I should not think that moving is the only option I have.  He also wants to see about talking to the landlord about Lowering the rent to a more manageable amount. I don't know if any of this is possible.  What I do know is that I am going to be praying and listening for answers and letting Him direct my steps.  And so I know I need to be reading my bible daily just to keep my focus straight.  I would love if anyone would keep me accountable on this.  I am thinking  reading a chapter of Proverbs daily.  That should be manageable.  Right
Jenny

Happy Valentine's Day

Hi Blogworld,

Today is the day for Sweethearts.  Unfortunately I don't have one.  Wish I did.  I did get flowers from a friend who wants to be more.  I am not sure if I want to take a chance on him.  He is quite a bit older than me.  I need to really think about this.  But it is very flattering.   Hope you all have a Happy Valentine's Day.
Jenny

The Next Step Is ????

Hi Blogworld,
In my last post I did a good job talking about moving on.  But today I am kinda sitting here trying to figure out what that actually is in action.  I did actually drive past Bear's house and notice mail is piling up in the box.  I actually thought about emailing him and asking him if he wanted me to bring it in for him.  He has avoidance issues and seeing that tells me he is avoiding something in there.  I am proud to say I didn't but I am concerned.  So any ideas on how to take action on moving on?  Not driving by his place would be a start.  I need to find some that don't invovle him.  I will see if there are some activities I can do with my church.  That should be a good place to make some new friends.  Now it is off to bed for me. 
Jenny

Moving on

Hi Blogworld,

It's seems so weird that it's only been a week with no contact with Bear.  And I am still standing.  I am okay and the world didn't stop spinning.  I think I have spent the last year preparing myself for this.  He ended things Dec 2010 and I fell apart.  So we got back together.  But after Valentine's Day 2011 I started realizing how he was planning his future and I wasn't part of it.  I tried to just take every moment I could to enjoy with him.  But over time I just drifted away.  And last month when I seen him actually packing to move I couldn't face his place.  I still don't know if I will ever be able to love someone like that again.  I hope so.  I don't blame him or hate him.  He is doing what is right for him and what he thinks is best for both of us.  I will always admire him for that strength.  But I will always wonder what it would have been like if things had worked out.  And if I am in denial and he is being a coward and running away I will be so disappointed.  So Bear is my past and I will cherish the memories.  Mr. Right is out there and I get a chance to meet him everyday.
Jenny

How to be strong

Hi Blogworld
It's been awhile.  My Bear and I have parted ways.  No contact is what he wants.  It is for the best.  I am sitting here figuring out where to go in life.  How to meet someone new.  So many challenges facing me.
I am in trouble financially.  My child support will be ending in June and I don't know how I will manage without it.  I am so tired of battling life.  Why is everything a battle for me?  I am a nice person,kind and considerate of others.  Why can't I find lasting love?  Why am I never enough?  Why can't I make enough money on my job to support myself and my family?  I can see the black hole of depression looming in front of me and I don't want to go back into it.  I just don't feel strong enough to outrun it.
Someone please help me